4 million and a Funeral.

Nothing like a good ol' fashioned funeral to bring the family closer together.

And nothing brings the true colors out of people faster than the flash of money.

My grandpa was 93. His estate is worth millions. Needless to say, the grief was quickly forgotten when the will was read. A somber time turned into a claw fest.

I didn't really know my grandpa (or grandma) very well...their choice. They didn't like my mother much. (What this had to do with me, I'll never know) My cousins are clamoring over what's left, but I want nothing. What the hell am I going to do with stuff that means nothing to me?

Now, if there was some money...sure, I'd take that. Don't lie an say YOU wouldn't.

And if my dad were to leave me what was left over...I'd take that too. Would I fight my sisters over it? Hmmm...she's already rich. I'm near poverty.

Like I said...nothing like the allure of money to bring out the best in people.

It's just STUFF;

I was flipping through some tabloids this morning, (okay, they are my weakness, FYI...) and it suddenly occurred to me: why do celebrities wear giant necklaces worth millions and millions of dollars?

I get that they're promoting them, but why? Who the hell looks at a 7 million dollar cuff link and says, "Ooo...gotta get that." As Seinfeld would say. "Who ARE these people?"

Even a half-mil earring could take care of me and my broke-ass for like...years. It's sickening. And personally, I would never feel comfortable wearing something so expensive. I'd constantly feel like everyone's staring, plotting to rip it from me. And without the body gaurds Cartier employs to protect such things, I'm feeling it would probably happen.

Flashiness annoys the hell out of me. I don't care how much money you make, folks. It doesn't mean a damn thing where we're going. If you're going to spend your money, buy a house, a jet...anything but something to flaunt how rich you are to the cashier at WalMart. I'm not envious by any means, I think it's tacky. I think when you're not looking, I will swipe that diamond encrusted change purse and sell it on Ebay so I can pay off my car. That's what I think.

In other news...

-Why didn't anyone explain to me that printer ink was so damn expensive?

-In my opinion, there's not a whole lot going for Optimists. They're only setting themselves up for disapointment, dude.

-Marriage is not easy. I wanted to tell my friend Brittany that at her wedding last weekend, but kept my mouth shut. I wish her all the best, but still, I cringe.

-One of the reasons I want to be successful is so I will have freedom.

-Sit-ups and lunges are the most torturous exercises known to man. I'm certain if they were not, everyone would be walking around with six-packs and tight buns.

-"The Watchmen" sucked.

-Right now, I'm editing my first book. It's a pain breaking it down and cutting out stuff, but I wish I was at home doing it now, instead of listening to veterinarians bitch at me.

-I'm throughly convinced most Americans are dumber than a plank of wood. Christ, how do these people function?? Don't tell me this is a broad generalization--I've worked in Customer Service for FAR too long, folks.

-I miss Michael Jackson. Yeah, I know the world is over it by now, but it wasn't just the music to me. I miss his craziness. I've always believed those who are geniuses are labled "crazy". It's just that they operate on a much different level than the rest of world, so of course that looks weird.

-And speaking of, I don't believe he molested kids. He wasn't a sexual person. He related to kids and acted like one. I just don't think he saw them as "attractive."

-I've chewed six peices of gum in 45 minutes. Is this bad?


More whimsy to follow....

Eat it.

It occurred to me today that I'm having a hard time finding other blogs to enjoy. God, I just hate people who ramble. Folks, if you're gonna write a novel about how boring your Saturday was, you're better off putting this in your diary and hiding it under your pillow. And get to the point! We don't need the pros and cons of bran muffins or how much social security means to you. So far, all I have seen is boring babble. I'm not saying I'm Hemmingway over here, but at least I tell it like it is in 100 words or less.

Come on, I've got like, 10 seconds to be interesting. You don't want to hear how green the South is, do you?

Ugh. Pretentious people suck.